The Gods by Scandinavia - a review by A Mean Salmon

Dear Scandinavia,

I have listened to your new album 'The Gods' a number of times now. I have also been reading a book about Don Simpson, the legendary and vice-addled Hollywood producer who is responsible for inventing the 'high-concept' movie (think Top Gun through to Con Air). He pulled no punches, and my comments are inspired by his philosophy.

The Original Don, Simpson

First of all. The title. Excellent. You gotta think big to be big.

In terms of the material, I was immediately taken by a number of real choice cuts. Real powerhouse summer blockbuster soundtrack tunes. Songs you could hear the babysitter next-door singing, songs that could make you a lot of money, songs that could make you a real someone…

At the same, though, there was also a lot of flab, a lot of weak creative shit. In particular, 'Popular Little Street' struck me as a lazy and rambling exercise in sub-Albarn world music holiday guff. I suggest that it be kept back for the true fans to find in horror at a later date, perhaps buried deep in a 'warts and all' retrospective. That shit won’t sell.

The real problem is a bigger one. YOU HAVE NO STORY! This is the worst mistake you can make…

People want something to follow, guys. They want to hear about a boy who grew up without a father, and then had his life turned around by some tough love from a male authority figure, like a cop or something. What are you selling these people? How are you gonna take them away from their day to day bullshit? There is just such a diversity of themes and styles on the album, and this makes finding a clear narrative arc quite difficult.

Tough love

In order to make this happen, I stayed up all last night taking cocaine and talking into dictaphone. This morning, I threw the dictaphone at my secretary. She has typed up the following memo, which focuses on how the tracks should be sequenced.

I hope you appreciate my feedback. In the meantime, I'll invoice you for my efforts.

Sincerely,

A Mean Salmon

A Mean Salmon

Scandinavia, The Gods

1. TRENDING

A smooth and lively song with a contemporary edge, and this makes it a perfect opener. The DIY vocal effect in the chorus is gonna make you famous.

2. I DON’T DO DRUGS (I JUST HAVE FUN)

A party classic whose upbeat tempo and funky keys continue the vibe of 'Trending' but ratchet things up a notch or two. This will be a hit at all drug parties.

I don't do drugs, I just make cheese

3. THE QUEEN ENTRANCED BY ANCIENT PRAYER BOOK

This is one of the standout tracks on the album, combining a classic 'Good Living' sound with an even sharper use of arrangement. It is the song I'd give the girl who's got it all. I think it follows 'Drugs' well with its fruity backups, but it also introduces a new sombre note, which might serve as an effective bridge into the less overtly happy material to follow.

That said, the outro is too long. It is expertly paced on its own terms, but its length does risk relegating the track to late on in the album, which would be a real pity given how strong the actual songwriting component of the track is. If you wanna do yourself a favour, you’re gonna want to shorten it so that it can be brought forward without disrupting the pace of the album.

4. WHAT CAN YOU GIVE A GIRL WHO'S GOT IT ALL?

With a shorter outro 'The Queen' would flow smoothly into ‘The Girl Who’s Got It All'. The guest vocals immediately help signify a change a gear, and the steady 1980s sound and melody carry the listener through to a plateau that has been prepared for in the preceding tracks. This is where things start to get real.

5. SAN PELLEGRINO

The immediate use of piano and drums here lull the listener into thinking that everything is back to normal, but the first signs of dissonance on the guitar set the scene for the eventual reversal in both lyrical and musical content. You like your holiday and your pesto pasta, but you're coming home...

San Pellegrino

6. BODIES

This is one of the more sensitive songs on the album, and I think it follows well from the admission about holidays and good living that emerges in 'San Pellegrino'.

7. FRACTIONS

My first impression was that this was a stodgy and ugly piece of shit. I also wondered why the vocals were so bellowy. Was it a conceptual experiment? Kill the artist. Anyway, I eventually found myself humming the chorus, so the songwriting is actually good. I have positioned it here because the harmonica gives us a way into the harder material.

8. SHED A FEW LAYERS

A real winner, combining speed, snarl, and smart take on the ritualistic release of rock club revelry. A million bucks. A day.

9. HOW WE USE OUR BRAND

I don't understand this song. The melodies are really good in parts (such as the choruses, where 'it's all a waste of time'), but it doesn't really hang together. It is just too disjointed in every possible way. Again, maybe it is meant to be a high concept thing, but I wouldn't turn this into a movie.

How we use our family brand

10. CROATIAN T-SHIRTS

A weird but good one ... I see splashes of melody and harmony periodically blinding an uneasy and threatening donkey.

11. POPULAR LITTLE STREET

This street will never be popular.

12. SAN PELLEGRINO (REPRISE)

A good movie ends with an image that remains like a splinter in the mind of viewer. You have to stab them in the ear.

Scandinavia DJs Mark Damian arrested in lover's tiff

Pioneering - white rasta

Hotly tipped DJ duo, Mark Damian - pioneers of the 'white rasta' sound - have been arrested at the beat laboratory they share in Brixton, south London, after neighbours reported hearing 'disturbing sounds'. It's been long-rumoured that Mark Damian's macho swagger is a carefully crafted image that hides a tempestuous love affair, and insiders claim that the most recent disturbance is simply the latest in a recurring drama. 'They're passionate - about their music and each other' claims a local Brixton grime artist who asked to remain anonymous. 'Unfortunately, I think the stress they're both under has put a serious strain on their professional and personal relationships'. 

Officers first at the scene described a 'terrific racket', and called back-up before entering. 'They couldn't hear us knocking' said Constable Don Dante, 'so we had to break the door down. It was heavy wood and it took us around 20 minutes, and the whole time we had to put up with this awful sound'. However, Sergeant John Humphries dismisses the notion that the police struggled to control the situation. 'Some of the younger lads were a bit tense, but it was just a bit of Peter Gabriel'. He chuckles, 'personally, I don't mind listening to 'So' over and over again, but for the guys who were expecting to hear old Bob Marley Peel sessions bursting from the stereo it was bewildering'. 

Upon entering, officers found the place in disarray. A semi-nude Mark screamed 'I'm the workhorse in this partnership!' when he caught sight of the police, while a 'very stoned' Damian giggled and changed the record to Chris De Burgh's 'The Getaway' before he was disarmed and handcuffed by starstruck young beat cops. Mark was harder to pin down, though he reportedly enjoyed the tussle with the well-trained officers.

'Semi nude' - Mark

PR guru Max Clifford issued a brief, baffling statement on behalf of his clients. 'Mark Damian battle it out on Jah's spiritual plane, old versus new, young versus old, Junior vs Jr Junior. Think Yoda and Luke. Old wisdom love up-to-date dancehall; young gun represent old school roots and reggae. Who wins? Jah will decide'.

'Very stoned' - Damian

In search of a new Zion

Intense competition has always been at the heart of hip hop, a musical genre dominated by quick-thinking lyrical 'MCs' and DJs who create sonic soundscapes using a more scientific approach. Mark Damian's genius, commentators claim, is that they're polar opposites. Mark, 31 - real name Jardine McCafferty - is the trendspotter who saw an opportunity for a white, greying rasta to bring on-trend ragga and bashment to new audiences. He famously discovered Damian, 30 - real name Alexander Harniess - in a ramshackle rasta club and partnered with the irascible and volatile disc jockey, whose eclectic taste in blazed-up Kingston dub provides historical substance to Mark's cutting edge ridims. 

A new Zion

There was instant chemistry - and attraction. 'They're soulmates', record label boss Dillon James posits. Always the more religious of the two, Mark was motivated by a higher power. 'Mark wanted to be a kind of evangelical Tim Westwood for the next generation' says James. 'It was all about the search for a "new Zion". Damian's a lot more hedonistic. His Zion has always been the hydroponic skunk'. For awhile, the ying yang worked. Hip Hop historian Miss Belle Bondurant has written extensively on the dualities of homophobia and homoeroticism in UK hip hop. 'We've seen, time after time, this initial sparring that produces remarkable artistry, but results in mixed emotions and ends with recriminations. At first, it's a simple flirtation, and the men involved are protected by codes of ritual homophobia on which they can rely to dispel rumours of anything their culture would construe as taboo. Paradoxically, their work is a totem. Others worship it, but there's now this hard evidence of a burgeoning relationship. The rumours start. The artistic creation is taken as a symbol of a relationship that has been consummated improperly'. 

A blaze of justice

Indeed, recriminations abound. Taking to twitter, Mark's accused Damian of having 'all the gear, and no idea'. In response to questions about their relationship in the wake of their arrest, Mark said simply 'urgh, Damian's so tiresome'. Damian, for his part, has been uncharacteristically philosophical. 'I'm the better DJ. We all know that' he said in a recent interview, that took place in his cat-shit infested garden in Kingston (south west London). 'Mark's rhymes are grammatically weak but amusing. We have our differences, but we're so solid'. He rejected claims that his drug usage had led to a breakdown in their relationship. 'These daze, I don't blaze. I prefer high-end Cuban cigars' he says.

Scandinavia show will go ahead

In the immediate aftermath of the arrest, the blogosphere was buzzing with rumours that Mark Damian wouldn't be able to perform at the Scandinavia Summer Ball. Scandinavia's charismatic lead singer, Nadim Samman, 29, laughs it off. 'They'll be there, no worries. [Mark Damian's] partnership is, like the chemistry in Scandinavia, a fraught one. But that is why we believe they are the right choice to compere our Summer Ball, and we are very, very excited about the tunes they'll be spinning'.

Catch Mark Damian's exclusive DJ set at the Scandinavia Summer Ball 2012 on Saturday 16 June.